I’m afraid of animals, but sadly enough animals are not afraid of me. Animals smell my kindness and for some reason they see that as an invitation to clamber all over me. Licking, humping, rubbing, jumping. They just don’t seem to understand that I really don’t want them near me. And in case you might be wondering, I’m not only talking about cats and dogs. All animals with at least half a brain seem to have a liking for me.

Once I tried to hit one of them. It was a squirrel that jumped on my lap out of nowhere. I was sitting on a bench in a park named The Park, eating one of my famous sandwiches when he suddenly sat there looking at me with his googly eyes. As usual I froze. But because I had just read an article about changing the flow of things I decided to stand up for myself. Setting aside my inhibitions I hit him with my right hand.

Seeing him fly through the air I already regretted what I had done. An enormous feeling of guilt overcame me hearing his soft squeaks. Two meters away from me, yes I really hit him that hard, he was lying in a dazed state. With a slight tremble I stood up, nervously looking around if anyone had seen my horrendous act. I walked towards him, as manly as possible. But as soon as I stood next to the squirrel and saw his broken heart speak directly to me through his little big eyes I started sobbing like a little girl. The flow of things hadn’t changed.

Of course the squirrel took that moment of weakness as his opportunity to go for the act of comforting me. Still sort of dazed he got up on his paws and hugged my left leg, again looking at me with his googly eyes, getting me back into my frozen state. I had to stand like that for eight minutes and twenty-six seconds, being completely overwhelmed by fear. Of course I rationally knew that I was relatively safe, but still I couldn’t let go of my anxiety. It felt as if in that moment everything could change and the cute looking little animal would show its true nature and turn into an uncontrollable murderous beast; feasting on me as if I wasn’t more than a fleshy representation of a big nut.

But after counting the twenty-sixth second over the eighth minute I noticed that the squirrel gave up. He let go of my left leg and he looked at me with a strange sort of understanding. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said to him, ‘I’m just not capable of trusting mobile beings that don’t know how to have a proper conversation.’ The squirrel sighed softly while shrugging his shoulders. Before I could say anything else he already ran off to one of the trees nearby.

As far as I can remember I’ve always been afraid of animals. And animals have always loved me. Why it has to be like this I don’t know. There’s a lot I don’t know actually. I’m Rob Ribbon by the way. Yes, The Rob Ribbon; the famous sandwich designer. Don’t know why I didn’t start with that. But as I already said, there’s a lot I don’t know.